My Story Part II

Hello everyone!

Happy November! Can y'all believe how fast this year has gone? Last time I blogged at ya, I was coming out of one of the worst summers of my life. Here is the update on my life, running, and my health.

I ended up having surgery in August of last year. My awesome surgeon found endometrial tissue on my uterus, my right uterine ligament, and my bladder and was able to surgically remove it. He also checked my tubes and said everything in my reproductive tract was in working order.

For the first time in YEARS, I felt well. I had forgotten what that felt like, to be honest. 

Surgery August 27, 2016
Ogden Hospital

About 2 weeks after surgery, I decided I was sick and tired of my bed. I didn't want to be confined anymore to my bed, my illness, or my self-pity. So, I got out and I started going on walks around my complex. It was embarrassing how hard it was. My incisions healed great, but the internal stitch in my belly button caused me a lot of pain. Remember y'all, I had lived through months (ok, years) of pain, so post-op pain was nothing compared to the never-ending pain I had lived with. After 5 days of walking my complex, I decided I was going to try to go for a run. For those of you doing the math, that is 2.5 weeks post op. I was so determined to take my life back! 

This selfie was taken right after my first run. I ran half a mile in the pouring down rain and I smiled the entire time. I was on my way back to being me again, and it felt wonderful.

Shortly after, my husband and I decided we should start trying to have a baby. That wasn't our original plan. We originally wanted to wait until Devin finished college, that way we had a job, a bigger house, and a more stable lifestyle. Plus, we hadn't even been married a year yet, and we were really enjoying the carefree lifestyle of being newlyweds.

But, with the nature of my endobitchriosis (that's her name), my surgeon told us our best chance of having a baby was within the first year after surgery. So after many discussions, prayers, and pro/cons lists, we decided to go ahead and start trying. And it was exciting! All of a sudden, everything in the baby section of Target was adorable. I saw babies everywhere and was so excited to hopefully be having one of my own soon! Hopes and dreams we never knew we had suddenly woke up in us. 

The first month, I was 3 days late. Because we were excited and new to this whole trying to have a baby process, we got really excited. It was negative. No biggie, it's only the first month. The next month, I was 7 days late. Negative. The next month, 2.5 weeks late. Negative. The next month, 32 days late. Negative. The next month, 44 days late. Negative and still no sign of getting a period.

At that point, I knew I needed to go in to get checked out. With my history, I knew the warning signs. So I went into my OBGYN and she immediately suggested that I have PCOS. After a medicine-induced period and a blood test, it was confirmed that I do indeed have PCOS. PCOS is defined as the following:

"Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a common endocrine system disorder among women of reproductive age. Women with PCOS may have enlarged ovaries that contain small collections of fluid — called follicles — located in each ovary as seen during an ultrasound exam.

Infrequent or prolonged menstrual periods, excess hair growth, acne, and obesity can all occur in women with polycystic ovary syndrome. In adolescents, infrequent or absent menstruation may raise suspicion for the condition.

The exact cause of polycystic ovary syndrome is unknown. Early diagnosis and treatment along with weight loss may reduce the risk of long-term complications, such as type 2 diabetes and heart disease"

Mayo Clinic

PCOS, or piece of shit as I now call it, is the sister disease to endometriosis, but no one had ever mentioned it to me. Why they didn't test me for it before is beyond me, but I am glad they were able to figure it out after one doctor's visit instead of the 12 it took to get an endobitchriosis diagnosis. It's the little blessings I have to hang on to to keep my sanity.

So basically, my eggs are being damaged during ovulation, if I even ovulate. It caused my periods to disappear. And remember how I said in my last post that I was gaining weight and looked like an adolescent teenager? Turns out, it wasn't the medication for my endo, it was just the piece of shit trying to tell me it had joined the party. And yes, fun fact, it can cause type 2 diabetes. WHAT?! Didn't see that one coming. Side note: I do not currently have diabetes. 

So how do we fix this, you may ask. Well, I am on medication to hopefully bring back my periods, help me ovulate, and help get my PCOS under control. The medicine has helped me lose the weight I so unfairly gained, but it hasn't brought back my periods yet. And no, we are not pregnant, we check regularly. For all my lady followers, can I get a huge high five for WISHING for a period? I mean, what is this madness?? 

For any of you really paying attention, have you noticed the conundrum we are in? I am wishing for a period, which means my PCOS symptoms are under control. But my periods can cause my endometriosis to flare back up. And the longer I am off my birth control and the more periods I have, the higher the chance of my endo going places we don't want it to go. 

Sigh.

So, we obviously are not pregnant. It's devastating, yes. Some days, I just break down and sob uncontrollable tears because I selfishly thought we would be rewarded for the last few years of hardship and be able to get pregnant quickly. I struggle with feeling like I am to blame and that I have done something wrong. I struggle with feeling like I am failing my husband. As hard as it is on me, I think it is harder on him. He deserves to be a dad, and I worry I won't ever be able to give him that. Just like we had hopes and dreams emerge that we never realized we had, we also have devastations and worries we never realized we would have. It's heartbreaking, frustrating, devastating, depressing, and all consuming. But just like that rainy day I decided to go for my first run, I had to decide to suck it up, smile, and find the joy. Despite the rain, the pain, and the self-doubt, I went for a run. That's my metaphor for my life. I have to keep running (both literally and figuratively). 

I ran into a sweet woman from my congregation the other day. She knows a bit about my health issues, so she asked me how I am feeling. I answered honestly and told her I'm hanging in there. She commented that whenever she sees me, she is always amazed to see a smile on my face and to see that I can be happy even in the face of difficulty. But I don't do it alone.

I find great comfort in my husband. He shares my pain, my worries, and my feelings. He makes me laugh, he takes care of me, and he holds me while I cry. The greatest thing that has come from this experience so far is knowing I have him by my side and to be able to grow with him. 

I find comfort in my friends who also struggle with infertility. I just hit my 1 year mark of trying to conceive, but some of my friends have been struggling for years. My heart aches for them, but I find comfort in their strength and perseverance.

I find comfort in my pregnant friends, both those who had struggled with infertility and those who didn't. Pregnancy is a beautiful thing and I think it is so sweet to watch my friends become parents. Plus, I love being the cool aunt! I can spoil them, love on them, be loved on, and then hand them back whenever they get too stinky or too cranky! I will always find comfort in the unabashed and innocent love of a child, no matter if they are mine or not. Just today I went out with my friend Camie and her daughter Z. It brings me so much comfort and joy to see the smile on Z's face when she sees me and the love I know she has. I want Camie to hurry up and pop out her second girl so I can love her too! 

I find comfort in my many other family and friends I have both here in Utah and spread throughout the country. Their love and support means the world to me. I know many of them do not know exactly what we are going through, but I think the struggle of trials is pretty universal. We all know what it feels like to be beat down, and I am so comforted by the many kind words and deeds they show me on a daily basis. 

So, now what? Many of you who are aware of our situation have asked us about IVF, artificial insemination, Clomed, adoption, etc. We took a very round about way into the world of infertility, endometriosis, and PCOS. Right now, my priority is to get my periods back and keep my endo under control. Since I have been having pain again, I will probably elect to have surgery again at the beginning of next year for my endometriosis. Hopefully my periods will come back soon, and the meds I am on act as a natural fertility drug. We aren't close to the many other wonderful options available to us, but I know they are ahead. This is a long road and we have just started our journey. I still hold onto a small inkling of hope that we can get pregnant soon, but I am also prepared for the hard road ahead.

At the end of the day, my endobitchriosis and piece of shit won't win. I am in control of my life and my happiness, so I am going to put a smile on my face and keep running, rain or shine.

Always remember bloggers....good things come to those who persevere.