My Story Part II

Hello everyone!

Happy November! Can y'all believe how fast this year has gone? Last time I blogged at ya, I was coming out of one of the worst summers of my life. Here is the update on my life, running, and my health.

I ended up having surgery in August of last year. My awesome surgeon found endometrial tissue on my uterus, my right uterine ligament, and my bladder and was able to surgically remove it. He also checked my tubes and said everything in my reproductive tract was in working order.

For the first time in YEARS, I felt well. I had forgotten what that felt like, to be honest. 

Surgery August 27, 2016
Ogden Hospital

About 2 weeks after surgery, I decided I was sick and tired of my bed. I didn't want to be confined anymore to my bed, my illness, or my self-pity. So, I got out and I started going on walks around my complex. It was embarrassing how hard it was. My incisions healed great, but the internal stitch in my belly button caused me a lot of pain. Remember y'all, I had lived through months (ok, years) of pain, so post-op pain was nothing compared to the never-ending pain I had lived with. After 5 days of walking my complex, I decided I was going to try to go for a run. For those of you doing the math, that is 2.5 weeks post op. I was so determined to take my life back! 

This selfie was taken right after my first run. I ran half a mile in the pouring down rain and I smiled the entire time. I was on my way back to being me again, and it felt wonderful.

Shortly after, my husband and I decided we should start trying to have a baby. That wasn't our original plan. We originally wanted to wait until Devin finished college, that way we had a job, a bigger house, and a more stable lifestyle. Plus, we hadn't even been married a year yet, and we were really enjoying the carefree lifestyle of being newlyweds.

But, with the nature of my endobitchriosis (that's her name), my surgeon told us our best chance of having a baby was within the first year after surgery. So after many discussions, prayers, and pro/cons lists, we decided to go ahead and start trying. And it was exciting! All of a sudden, everything in the baby section of Target was adorable. I saw babies everywhere and was so excited to hopefully be having one of my own soon! Hopes and dreams we never knew we had suddenly woke up in us. 

The first month, I was 3 days late. Because we were excited and new to this whole trying to have a baby process, we got really excited. It was negative. No biggie, it's only the first month. The next month, I was 7 days late. Negative. The next month, 2.5 weeks late. Negative. The next month, 32 days late. Negative. The next month, 44 days late. Negative and still no sign of getting a period.

At that point, I knew I needed to go in to get checked out. With my history, I knew the warning signs. So I went into my OBGYN and she immediately suggested that I have PCOS. After a medicine-induced period and a blood test, it was confirmed that I do indeed have PCOS. PCOS is defined as the following:

"Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a common endocrine system disorder among women of reproductive age. Women with PCOS may have enlarged ovaries that contain small collections of fluid — called follicles — located in each ovary as seen during an ultrasound exam.

Infrequent or prolonged menstrual periods, excess hair growth, acne, and obesity can all occur in women with polycystic ovary syndrome. In adolescents, infrequent or absent menstruation may raise suspicion for the condition.

The exact cause of polycystic ovary syndrome is unknown. Early diagnosis and treatment along with weight loss may reduce the risk of long-term complications, such as type 2 diabetes and heart disease"

Mayo Clinic

PCOS, or piece of shit as I now call it, is the sister disease to endometriosis, but no one had ever mentioned it to me. Why they didn't test me for it before is beyond me, but I am glad they were able to figure it out after one doctor's visit instead of the 12 it took to get an endobitchriosis diagnosis. It's the little blessings I have to hang on to to keep my sanity.

So basically, my eggs are being damaged during ovulation, if I even ovulate. It caused my periods to disappear. And remember how I said in my last post that I was gaining weight and looked like an adolescent teenager? Turns out, it wasn't the medication for my endo, it was just the piece of shit trying to tell me it had joined the party. And yes, fun fact, it can cause type 2 diabetes. WHAT?! Didn't see that one coming. Side note: I do not currently have diabetes. 

So how do we fix this, you may ask. Well, I am on medication to hopefully bring back my periods, help me ovulate, and help get my PCOS under control. The medicine has helped me lose the weight I so unfairly gained, but it hasn't brought back my periods yet. And no, we are not pregnant, we check regularly. For all my lady followers, can I get a huge high five for WISHING for a period? I mean, what is this madness?? 

For any of you really paying attention, have you noticed the conundrum we are in? I am wishing for a period, which means my PCOS symptoms are under control. But my periods can cause my endometriosis to flare back up. And the longer I am off my birth control and the more periods I have, the higher the chance of my endo going places we don't want it to go. 

Sigh.

So, we obviously are not pregnant. It's devastating, yes. Some days, I just break down and sob uncontrollable tears because I selfishly thought we would be rewarded for the last few years of hardship and be able to get pregnant quickly. I struggle with feeling like I am to blame and that I have done something wrong. I struggle with feeling like I am failing my husband. As hard as it is on me, I think it is harder on him. He deserves to be a dad, and I worry I won't ever be able to give him that. Just like we had hopes and dreams emerge that we never realized we had, we also have devastations and worries we never realized we would have. It's heartbreaking, frustrating, devastating, depressing, and all consuming. But just like that rainy day I decided to go for my first run, I had to decide to suck it up, smile, and find the joy. Despite the rain, the pain, and the self-doubt, I went for a run. That's my metaphor for my life. I have to keep running (both literally and figuratively). 

I ran into a sweet woman from my congregation the other day. She knows a bit about my health issues, so she asked me how I am feeling. I answered honestly and told her I'm hanging in there. She commented that whenever she sees me, she is always amazed to see a smile on my face and to see that I can be happy even in the face of difficulty. But I don't do it alone.

I find great comfort in my husband. He shares my pain, my worries, and my feelings. He makes me laugh, he takes care of me, and he holds me while I cry. The greatest thing that has come from this experience so far is knowing I have him by my side and to be able to grow with him. 

I find comfort in my friends who also struggle with infertility. I just hit my 1 year mark of trying to conceive, but some of my friends have been struggling for years. My heart aches for them, but I find comfort in their strength and perseverance.

I find comfort in my pregnant friends, both those who had struggled with infertility and those who didn't. Pregnancy is a beautiful thing and I think it is so sweet to watch my friends become parents. Plus, I love being the cool aunt! I can spoil them, love on them, be loved on, and then hand them back whenever they get too stinky or too cranky! I will always find comfort in the unabashed and innocent love of a child, no matter if they are mine or not. Just today I went out with my friend Camie and her daughter Z. It brings me so much comfort and joy to see the smile on Z's face when she sees me and the love I know she has. I want Camie to hurry up and pop out her second girl so I can love her too! 

I find comfort in my many other family and friends I have both here in Utah and spread throughout the country. Their love and support means the world to me. I know many of them do not know exactly what we are going through, but I think the struggle of trials is pretty universal. We all know what it feels like to be beat down, and I am so comforted by the many kind words and deeds they show me on a daily basis. 

So, now what? Many of you who are aware of our situation have asked us about IVF, artificial insemination, Clomed, adoption, etc. We took a very round about way into the world of infertility, endometriosis, and PCOS. Right now, my priority is to get my periods back and keep my endo under control. Since I have been having pain again, I will probably elect to have surgery again at the beginning of next year for my endometriosis. Hopefully my periods will come back soon, and the meds I am on act as a natural fertility drug. We aren't close to the many other wonderful options available to us, but I know they are ahead. This is a long road and we have just started our journey. I still hold onto a small inkling of hope that we can get pregnant soon, but I am also prepared for the hard road ahead.

At the end of the day, my endobitchriosis and piece of shit won't win. I am in control of my life and my happiness, so I am going to put a smile on my face and keep running, rain or shine.

Always remember bloggers....good things come to those who persevere. 

My Story Part I

Hello Bloggers. This is a post that has been bouncing around my head for some time now, but I didn't want to write it until I knew I could do it justice. So here we go!

Being chronically ill sucks. There, I said it! It SUCKS. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful every single day that it is not something worse. I have lost many loved ones to cancer and their fight makes them true heroes in my book. 

Fact:Before I started my battle, I would not have considered chronic illness a war nor it's victims heroes. Though I do not consider myself in the same category of those who deal with much more fatal and tragic problems than myself, I do see myself as a hero.

I have to, or the disease would win.

Here is the scientific definition of my war: 

"Endometriosis (en-doe-me-tree-O-sis) is an often painful disorder in which tissue that normally lines the inside of your uterus — the endometrium — grows outside your uterus (endometrial implant). Endometriosis most commonly involves your ovaries, bowel or the tissue lining your pelvis. Rarely, endometrial tissue may spread beyond your pelvic region. 

In endometriosis, displaced endometrial tissue continues to act as it normally would — it thickens, breaks down and bleeds with each menstrual cycle. Because this displaced tissue has no way to exit your body, it becomes trapped. When endometriosis involves the ovaries, cysts called endometriomas may form. Surrounding tissue can become irritated, eventually developing scar tissue and adhesions — abnormal tissue that binds organs together. 

Endometriosis can cause pain — sometimes severe — especially during your period. Fertility problems also may develop. Fortunately, effective treatments are available."

Thank you Mayo Clinic for the definition. But I have a better definition.

Endometriosis is a bitch and I hate her. 

Endometriosis means that I am tired 300% of the time including when I wake up in the morning. I mean, what is that?? The most exhausting part of my day is getting up to pee in the morning. My body literally says, "Whew, what a work out! Let's get back to bed before you make me do another rep!" Not even kidding peeps. Because usually what wakes me up in the morning isn't the super loud lawn mowers my complex insists on running at 7:30 in the morning, nor is it my husband swearing during his morning workout, nor is it the crying infant who lives above me. Nope, it is the stabbing bitch that lives in my uterus that says, "WAKE UP! IT'S TIME FOR ME TO TORTURE YOU NOW AND I NEED YOU AWAKE TO ENJOY IT!" She doesn't care that she kept me up for half the night or that once I fell asleep she woke me up ever hour an half. How do I know it's an hour and a half? Because in my hope to get a good nights sleep, I put on the most comforting movie from my childhood: Mulan. And Mulan is 90 minutes long. I see the opening ink mountains right as my eyelids get heavy and I see the half Chinese half english subtitles as I am forced awake again to restart it. So yeah, there's the kicker. I am EXHAUSTED but I can't actually sleep because I am in so much pain. Go figure. 

Then there is the eating thing. Guys. I love food. I love Chipotle. Do you remember my Chipotle obsession? I have probably dragged you at least once with me to Chipotle in the years of our friendship. I love my burritos. AND THERE IS A CHIPOTLE OPENING A MILE FROM MY HOUSE! And now I can't eat one. I can't really eat anything actually. But here is my other favorite catch-22. My new meds make me fat. So even though I am eating roughly 1000 calories a day on a good day, I am still gaining weight. At the beginning of this disease I got sickly thin and now I am a round faced pubescent teenager. Again, go figure.

Now all this is just my day to day life. Please see the highlighted orange sentence above. Yes, I am one of those lucky rarities who has tissue everywhere. I am getting surgery in a few weeks and he is literally checking from my diaphragm to my bowel. Because I am just that rare and legit. 

I am also fortunate enough to only have a period every 3 months. I am also fortunate enough to have all of the aforementioned symptoms (and others you don't want to know about) magnified by a billion. It's wonderful. At that point I feel like a woman from the medieval times where they put her in bed for her period and she didn't move. This picture about sums it up.

Bottom line, this whole thing is a bitch. I have the emotional range of a third trimester pregnant lady, a body like a pubescent teenage girl, an appetite like a Victoria Secret model, and the energy of Jabba the hut. But those are just the negatives. The positives are I have a superhero husband, a saint of a mother who listens to me cry even after my husband has heard me cry, a hilarious sister who nerd talks with me all day, a brother who video calls me almost daily, and a dad who when he is in town, turns the car around to come see me when I am in pain. I have a great support network. Not to mention, I have Harry Potter to find trouble with, the Doctor to travel with, and Star Wars to save the galaxy with. All in all, endometriosis is a bitch but I am a hero. Go figure. If you don't laugh, you cry. Sometimes I do both, but I mostly try to laugh!

Always remember...good things come to those who laugh through their tears.

#MarriedLife

Hello Bloggers!

To say I have been neglecting this blog is an understatement! We have had a lot going on in the Porter household! 

As ya'll know...Devin and I got married! It was the perfect day. I know every bride says that, but mine really was perfect. My favorite part (other than Devin becoming my husband) were my bridesmaids and photographer. They came from all over the country to support us and I couldn't have done my day without them. Seriously. I was so overwhelmed with gratitude and love! When Devin and I got into the car to leave the reception, I had to take a minute and cry because I was so touched by the love and friendship I had felt that day. It was a perfect day. And our pictures turned out amazing! *Photo Credit Julia Sumpter*

Devin took us to Orlando, Florida for our honeymoon. I grew up going to Disney World, so therefore I love going just for the sheer amount of memories I have in that magical park. Even better, Devin had never been to Disney World! We stayed off site in the best hotel. It's the best because it serves the best food ever. Especially brunch. Devin and I still dream about their brunch. It was a great trip and I loved sharing my childhood memories with my new husband!

Brunchin'

 Since then, we settled into our apartment in Provo, Utah. Neither of us are big Utah fans, but we have made our apartment our home. We are incredibly happy. We love our life, we love each other, and we love our journey. And we love all of you! 

So remember bloggers...

All good things come to those who enjoy the journey.

He asked, I said yes!

Hello Bloggers!!

Wow can you believe how time flies?? I feel like Devin and I just trekked home from school and now we are getting ready to move back out to Utah, our jobs and internships done, and summer coming to a close. It truly has been an amazing summer! I have lots to say about all the fun adventures I had with my internship, my typical baseball adventures, and some awesome adventures with my family, but I can tell y'all about that later. Tonight I cannot stop smiling about the biggest news in my life...I am getting married!

I was never one of those girls who sat on Pinterest and pinned her entire wedding. I never had a vision. I never had a ring preference. I never thought about my dress. When I met Devin and things started to get serious, I of course thought, "yeah, he could be the one". But just because I thought and hoped that didn't mean I planned our entire future. 

Let me tell you, dating Devin was so fun (the waiting on the mission part, not so much haha). We went out to movies, went out to dinner, went putt putting, hung out with our friends and families, ran errands, and watched Dr. Who like it was our job. We got to know each other. He got to see just how OCD I am about being clean and about how I organize my groceries at the grocery store (thank you Mom for that one). I got to see how OCD he is about getting his hair cut (I guess OCD is just part of our relationship). We got to relax and date and have fun! No pressure. We just did the right things and made the right choices. And then he did the most amazing thing of all and decided to come stay at my house this summer. Which means we got to date in GEORGIA! Only the best state on earth if you are  a southern belle like me! I saw him pet the dogs goodbye in the morning when he thought I wasn't looking (Like it or not, I have totally converted him to being a dog lover). I saw him sit out in the garage for hours trying to help my dad fix the garage door. I saw him run errands and get diet coke for my mama. I saw him sit through days of baseball games. I saw him give my sister words of wisdom and encouragement. I saw him talk and get to know my friends. I saw him work hard at his job. I had the amazing opportunity to see him become apart of my family. And I loved him for every minute of it. 

So here is what you all really want to know: our engagement story. 

What better way to end the perfect summer than at the beach, right? I had been traveling every weekend of the entire month of July for my internship, so I had not been home. But I had convinced myself that Devin had not asked my Dad for permission. I was convinced there was no way he had time to ask permission and get a ring around his work schedule. Well, the weekend before we leave for the beach, I flew out for an impromptu visit to Utah for a job interview (it went well and I hope to finalize everything with them this week! Wahoo!). While I was there, my mom casually asked if I wanted to look at wedding dresses. In hindsight, this should have been a warning sign. But I knew we were going to get engaged sooner or later, so I went along with it. Turns out, I found a dress! And I love it! Devin has no idea what it looks like, so y'all will have to wait and see as well!!

So I get home from Utah, having found a dress (but not telling Devin) and I started freaking out. I for some reason got it in my head that Devin wasn't going to ask me anytime soon and we were going to run out of time to plan and blah blah blah. Obviously, I was wrong. (And I apologize, Devin, for being cranky and doubting you) 

We get to the beach on a Saturday, just me, Devin, and Spencer. Mom and Carlie were driving up from Tampa where they were for our childhood friend's wedding and were going to meet us on Sunday. So I go about my beach business. Sand. Ocean. Tanning. People magazine. Naps. Nothing out of the ordinary. Every night, we would watch the sunset and set off fireworks to end our evening. It was perfect. 

On Tuesday night when Devin asked me if I wanted to watch the sunset from the pier, no red flags went off because it was our nightly ritual. When my whole family went onto the beach with fireworks at sunset, I thought it was a little weird that we were on the pier and they were on the beach, but I didn't worry about it. Devin and I were chatting and enjoying the sunset when all of a sudden, he gets down on one knee in front of me with a gorgeous ring and asks me if I would marry him. Don't ask me is he had a speech or anything, because I just started to cry and hugged him, so I have no idea what he said. I just know I said yes somewhere in the middle of all the crying and hugging haha. 

Then all of a sudden fireworks were going off from the beach and my mom and sister were running up the pier to take pictures. I finally stopped crying to take a decent picture and we walked down to the beach to be with my family.

Almost a week later, I can't stop smiling. I can't stop being happy. But let me tell you...it's not because of this beautiful ring on my finger or the wedding binder that now sits on my dresser. It's because I have an official temple date. I have always wanted to get married in the temple. I always wanted to be in a relationship that took me there, and now that I am here, it's so rewarding and exciting. I am excited not just about my wedding day, but for the fact that I get to spend the rest of my life and eternity with Devin. He gets to be my husband. Dating was fun. I loved having him be my boyfriend. But having him be my hubby-to-be (we are boycotting the word "fiancé") is a whole different kind of joy and happiness. We have seen so many blessings just in the short time we have been preparing to get the ball rolling on our engagement. I got a job. He got more scholarships to cover school. I found a dress for a ridiculous price. He was able to get me a ring he was proud of. There are so many more that are just too private to share, but I can tell you this bloggers, I feel so blessed. I am overwhelmed by the love I feel from all sides. I am overwhelmed by how happy of a time this is. I am overwhelmed by the blessings I have seen and how many things have just fallen into place. And I can tell you this...nothing makes me happier than to say that I get to be apart of the Porter family. I couldn't ask for better future in-laws, who were so happy with us when they found out we were engaged. I truly am so lucky to be marrying into his family! 

I know this is an exuberant amount of cheesy and a longer post than normal, but there is the story of Devin and Daniela. We are extremely happy and excited to move on to this next stage of our lives. Thank you to our villages who helped get us here and thank you for all your love and support! We love you!

Oh and hey bloggers...

All good things...come with the right kind of love.

We love you all!

(not how he proposed, just how we presented it for social media. My mom and Carlie picked this up at the Lego store)

Somewhere Sunny and 75

Good Evening Bloggers!

Here are a few happy thoughts from my day:

1. No matter how stressed you are, holding a baby will always make things better. Especially when she is pretty much brand new to the world. Seriously, one of my favorite things is meeting newborn babies. They just came straight from Heaven! How cool is that?? Thanks Wray family for letting me visit. She's gorgeous!

2. Chick fil a lemonade really does solve everything.

3. Devin and I have new matching Brita filter water bottles and not gonna lie, they are pretty sweet!

4. Graduation is soon approaching! Woot woot!

5. Devin is coming home to GA with me for the summer and it makes me happy daily.

6. I get to see my GA girls soon!

7. And here is the most important one bloggers. Sometimes, even the smallest things in life can make you happy. Today was not the best day. I haven't been feeling well, I am finishing up all of my projects (which is stressful), and I am just busy in general. Today was frustrating. I was having a hard time communicating, I was on edge, and I was just dead tired. So what does Devin do to put up with me? We get on his motorcycle (sorry dad) and we go sit on temple grounds. Mostly because it's a nice view and it's peaceful. Then we just sat and talked. He just let me talk about my day, about what's on my brain, why I am stressed, etc. He listened. And here's my favorite part...he didn't just tell me what I wanted to hear, but he sincerely helped me see why things are good and he used examples to validate his point. He reminded me that life is good and beautiful.

To summarize President Monson's talk from conference this past weekend: love Christ to love others and to love yourself. At the end of the day, that's all we have to do. Love Christ. Love comes in many different ways. It comes from holding hands with the man you love. It comes from holding a brand new baby girl. It comes from a little puppy dog curling next to you. It comes from doing service. It comes from being surrounded by those you love. Love is everywhere, especially Christ's love. It's in the sunset I watched from temple grounds. It's in the sunny weather we had today. It's in parents who talk to you together in a bluetooth equipped car. It's also in us. Christ loves us, and if we love Him, everything else is alright.



So bloggers, always remember...

All good things come to those who LOVE Christ. 

When, Not If

Hello Bloggers!

I have to retract a statement from my last post…

Sometimes, waiting does yield happiness.

Does waiting mean sitting on your butt and doing nothing? HELL NO. Waiting means making each day worthwhile until the day comes where you don't have to wait anymore! 

A few years ago, I met this boy. And that boy showed me the stars. And he made my laugh, even when I cried. And he made me feel like the person I always wanted to be. And then that boy asked me to wait while he was serving in Argentina for 2 years. And I was crazy enough to say yes. 

But while he was gone, I didn't wait for happiness. I worked for it. As ya'll know, I have had my difficulties, namely with my health. But I still strived for happiness every day. I laughed with my friends. I worked. I studied. I grew closer to those around me. I started to actually ENJOY studying at BYU. I took my mother's advice to heart. I needed to find my own happiness before I could find pure happiness with someone else. 

I really wasn't exaggerating about the nose thing...

And then the boy came home a man. And things were awkward and we were stupid. And I had to start doing things like dating other people (which was a fruitless effort. Dating in Provo…not the easiest thing to do folks!). Then I got sick of waiting for things to stop being stupid and awkward. I had to see for myself if the boy who showed me the stars was still in the man who finally came home.

So I hoped in my car and drove to his house for Thanksgiving. And we were still awkward, but less stupid. And then he stuck his finger up my nose and that was that! I waited for two years. And I could've kept on waiting for him. But sometimes bloggers, we have to be the ones to leap. We have to get off our butts and stop waiting! And let me tell you, it was terrifying. But sometimes, you realize that you have to leap for the people you love. In our case, we discovered that we were being stupid and awkward for stupid and awkward reasons. Then all of a sudden, all that waiting and finding my own happiness that I did turned into something real. Something tangible. His name is Devin. I got my best friend and man back. And I couldn't be happier.

Reunited at long last!

Am I still sick? Yes. Do I know exactly where I will be in a few months? No. Do I have all the answers? No. But I am happy. For the first time in a long time, I finally have hope that everything will be ok. I am so blessed to have that peace and comfort, and I am so blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people. I am especially grateful that Devin was never actually far away, even when we were being stupid and awkward. There are some people you never stop caring about! Also, my mother gets to say 'I told you so' for the millionth time. She's always right. I hope to be as wise as her one day!

Yes, this is a sappy post. And for those of you who know me know that this isn't like me at all. What can I say, he makes me sappy cause I am so happy all the time! 

So bloggers, let's get ready for the new year and try to make happiness the ultimate goal. It's easier said than done, and I know that. But even when you are in your darkest moments, cling to hope. Happiness is never far away. We can wait for our happiness, but we can work for it too.

Remember bloggers…

All good things come to those who WORK while WAITING. 

P.S.
This is a really good song and about sums it all up. Enjoy!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KN3wEzLp9do

Mountains to Climb

Hello bloggers! How are ya'll this evening? Swell I hope! 

Here is the thing bloggers, life has been hard. As in extremely difficult, I can't handle my own life kind of difficult. Seven months ago, I started having stomach problems. My diet has been stripped down to nothing but overpriced gluten free bread and muffins, yummy kind bars, eggs, rice, and bananas. If I am having a good day, a piece of chicken can also be added in. The diet is the easy part. It's the emotional side of not feeling well 24/7 that gets me. 

As a Therapeutic Recreation major, we talk about chronic illnesses and the emotional toll it can take, but I never fully understood it until this summer. The worst part is not knowing what is wrong. I have had so many tests, all with normal results. Having to hear the words "you're fine" hurt me more than the stomach pains radiating through my abdomen. They know I have two abnormalities, but have no idea why. So they patched me up and sent me on my way. But that's not reassuring, because every day I have to figure out a way to adapt. To piece myself together enough to function. For those around me not to worry about me. But this past week, my facade broke. Hey guess what world? I'M NOT OK! And I EMBRACE it.

So bloggers, here is what has been going on.

Every day, I do yoga, go for a walk or run, play tennis, or hang out with my friends. I take my medicine and go to bed when I can't handle the pain anymore. I am figuring out how to survive this! I will beat it. Since being back at school, I have been mentally and emotionally fortified by those around me. Being a TR major helps for sure, because my peers understand and know how to encourage and lift me up. 


My new most favorite escape? Playing Nintendo 64 with my favorite Wray family. Can I tell you how much I LOVE the Wray family? Well, I love them. They are amazing. They are sweet. They are kind. They listen. They let me cry. Camie has the best shoulder to cry on, and Judd is so patient. He also is the best Mario Tennis partner ever and doesn't make fun of me when I stink up the joint. They are my daily reminder to laugh, to cry, and to be loved. 

Oh yeah, the best friend is back from the mission. Not in the way either of us expected, but it is what it is. I cannot worry about it. Life will work out how it is supposed to. But it is nice to have my friend back. 

Doran took me crawfishing! That was an adventure and could be used as a whole other post. But I LOVED it. It was freezing, but it was worth it. I love to go on new adventures. It really helps having things to look forward to and accomplishing.

 

 
Speaking of accomplishments...my friends are awesome! I really wanted to hike the Y because it was lit for homecoming. And since my friends are AMAZING, they agreed to go with me after the BYU vs. GA Tech football game. Ok, so...I should've listened. The hike was way steeper and harder than I expected. Keep in mind, I am not the healthiest person these days, so it was tough. We get half way up to the Y, and this guy stops us and informs us that they were taking the lights down. WHAT?? WHY?? Well, we were already halfway there, so we decided to gut it out and finish. When we got to the top, we were all tired and cold, but I felt so amazing. Two months ago, I could barely leave my house to go to the grocery store with my mom because I would get too sick and tired. Sitting on top of the Y might seem like a small feat for some, but for me, being able to look out over the valley represented how far I have come since being back at school. That hike was hard. I was not feeling so well by the time I got down, but I did it! Which is all that matters.

My life is like climbing a mountain. Nothing has panned out like I expected the last few months. My illness has affected my friendships and my relationships. I haven't been able to be the person I was, but I am who I am. I am trying the best I can and the people around me have done an amazing job of stepping up and helping me along the way. I love each and every one of them. Life is a mountain. But eventually, we all get to the top, look out at the course of our lives, and say "we did it". 

I am still climbing my mountain. And I am impatient at times. I wish there was an easy fix for everything, but that's not life!

So bloggers...all good things come not to those who WAIT, but to those who WORK. 

I have been WAITING for a long time, but maybe I have been waiting for the wrong things. Now, I am just taking one day at a time and WORKING towards being better and making my life work for me. 

Love you bloggers. Keep working, because waiting will never yield happiness.

Allons-y Alonso! Summer 2013

Hello bloggers!

Well...it has been awhile! So, hello again. Hope things are swell for everyone!

Summer 2013 is coming to a fast close. I hate endings. I hate goodbyes. But that's life! I just posted pictures of my summer to my facebook account, and it made me realize that I did have a great summer. Well, it was both horrible and wonderful. I originally was going to stay out in Utah for the summer, but then health problems brought me home. I have been in and out of doctors offices, done multiple procedures, and tried a plethora of medications, and we still don't know exactly what is going on with my tummy. But I can function better than I could at the beginning of the summer, so I am grateful for that! It has been hard trying to cope with the reality that stomach problems are my life now, trying to figure out how to adapt, and trying to live with the inconvenience of having stomach issues. I would be lying to ya'll if I told you I conquered all of these things, but I haven't. I am trying though, which I think counts for something! 

The highlight of my summer has been being with my southern friends. They knew how to stop the tears, how to make me feel better, how to distract me, and how to make me laugh and put things in perspective. So bloggers, here is the highlight reel of my summer!!

KATIE:

We are nuts. We are random. We are nerds. But no one in this universe can make me laugh as hard as she can. Saying goodbye to her always sucks, and she is one of the few people I will hug (haha). We saw each other almost every day, either studying for our respective grad school tests, watching Dr. Who (she loves David Tennant, I love Matt Smith, but we agree to disagree), shopping, having dance parties in the car, or listening to me cry about my frustrations, she is always there for me. I am so glad I got to spend time with her this summer. She kept me sane and she kept me laughing, which made a huge difference. She's my BFFL. We endure the struggle together! 


LAUREN:

And then there is my bad ass marine best friend. The beginning of the summer was spent with her, in between her work outs and general awesomeness. Then she left for 6 weeks to go to Officer Candidate School. I had been planning to go to Quantico for her graduation for over a year, and it was the only thing this entire summer that was supposed to happen. No matter what, I was going to make it to her graduation. Seeing her in her uniform, marching with her fellow graduates, was the best moment of my summer. I am so unbelievably proud of her. She is the bravest person I know, and she doesn't quit! I look up to her for strength and bravery. And we are always good for TV marathons, naps, and cookies. I missed spending time with her this summer, but we will have next summer! And we are the queens of long-distance communication and goodbyes.

FAMILY:

Anyone who knows my family, knows we are nuts. Enough said. But I had a great time in Virginia with Nonna and visiting with my favorite Budway family! I even got to see an old college friend, Camie! She and her husband were in the DC area for the summer for his job, so I got to reconnect with her (which we realize we can do in Utah, but it was way more fun in Virginia!!).
  

BECKY:
Always good for a positive thought and inspiration, it was so great spending time with her this summer! Best thoughts and prayers to one tough cookie, who doesn't let anything get her down!

And then there were the random adventures along the way. Going to the aquarium, the lake, shopping the Nordstrom sale and getting locked in our dressing room, the late night Racetrack runs, the TV marathons, hanging out with my favorites Parker and Maddy, going to camp Twitch and Shout, and lots of laughter. Overall, it was a tough summer. But it was a summer full of love and support. It was a grown up summer as we all realized how fast life is moving. The big kid world is only months away, but I am so grateful for everyone who was there to support me this summer. For everyone who loves me, and for the amazing friends and family I have been blessed with. I love you all.

So remember...

All good things happen to those who LOVE.

A Heart at Peace

Hello bloggers! How are you on this fine Sunday evening? I am waiting for a certain someone to get his butt back here to get his stuff so I can go to bed, so I figured I would blog while I wait!

Have ya'll ever heard of Pilates Ballet? Ballet Pilates? Whatever. Let me tell you...it is probably one of the hardest things I have ever done. Now, in part, it is because I have not worked out like that in a long time. Sure, I run. But I haven't done anything quite as intensive as this class in awhile. It was intense! I am so sore. My abs, hips, and back are dying. But it was worth it! I cannot wait to go back on Saturday!! But I learned a few things during this class.

1. I have a face that people always thing they recognize.
2. I love the ballet barre. Always have. Always will. It was like greeting an old friend.
3. I had to borrow used socks for this class. And I didn't have a mental breakdown like I expected (because I am a germ freak).
4. I am so stubborn, and I realized why I got injured in the first place. I don't know when to stop. I don't know how to give in to the pain. Next time, I need to lower my pride a bit...or my hip won't survive this class.
5. There is something about a personal challenge that is so invigorating and rewarding.
6. All of this ties back to my major.

On Friday, I have a 2 1/2 hour long class about assessment in TR. And I LOVE this class. My professor is my hero. I want to be like her when I grow up. But every week, we have to read a different novel. 2 weeks ago, we read about how to be intrinsically motivated. If we are motivated extrinsically, or by outside motivation, we aren't really benefiting ourselves. But if we are intrinsically motivated, we will get more out of whatever activity we are trying to accomplish. For example, if I ran because I thought my parents wanted me to, or because I thought society wanted me to so that I could be thin to society's standards, then I wouldn't really like running. I wouldn't be running for me. As it is, I run because I love it. I love the pounding of my feet. I love how exhausting it is. I love how refreshed I feel after a run. I love how clear my mind is afterwards. I am intrinsically motivated to run, and therefore, I run more often. 


This past week, we had to read about inner peace. Sounds all hippy-esque, but this book actually made some excellent points. No matter the situation, we should always have a heart at peace. If we have a heart at war, we will never be able to resolve an issue, no matter how many times we say something is fine. To have a heart at peace is to find peace within the self, to be able to face any trial or difficulty head on and to not give in to the bitterness or hate.

Divine Comedy!

Looking at my own life, there have been times where my heart as been at war. But all that matters now is that my heart is at peace.


It's February bloggers. Keep your eyes peeled for a rant about my most very favorite holiday, Valentines day. But it's also almost the 7th. I love the 7th. It means another month down. This year is harder than last year in some ways, but easier in others. I think the biggest factor is having Chanel and my sister here. They make it easier. Fun even. It's difficult though because I get tired. Not tired of waiting. But tired of him being gone. It's like my Pilates class. I get tired of doing squats because it hurts, but I know it's good for me and will make me stronger. My motto for the week is being stronger and having a heart at peace. And taking the things that I have put into boxes and coming to peace with them.


Ok bloggers. The certain someone has bid my apartment adieu. It's good to have an older brother figure though. He has helped a lot this semester as well. Friends make the world go round, and sometimes it takes a village to survive the cards we have been dealt. But as long as we keep surviving, keep laughing, and keep LIVING, then life is good.


Time for bed. But always remember bloggers...


All good things happen to those who have HEARTS AT PEACE.